BACK TO MAIN PAGEWORKING WITH CONFLICT
Cornelis Pieterse, MA
Lemnis Associates
(Originally published by the Economic/Legal Committee of the Association of Waldorf Schools of North America, under the title: "Working Together." 1993. Ed. David Mitchell.)
INTRODUCTION
Conflict is an integral and important part of all interactions, whether this is in a group setting or just between two individuals; in business or service sector organizations. In fact, service organizations with a strong ideological foundation, may be more susceptible to intense and persistent conflict.
In working with conflict, and trying to resolve it, we must be clear that there are no proven models or easy steps to follow. Each situation is unique and demands our full attention and awareness so that we may come to an appropriate response. Today we are asked to create a new understanding and reach binding agreements, what in earlier times may have been prescribed by established cultural norms or institutional authority. Often we may not know if our actions and solutions are correct for a given situation until we have tried, even experimentally, and then consciously evaluated the results. More and more people seem to be born with a wonderful sense for social processes and a capacity to build meaningful professional relationships. We may already experience that a colleague or community member can offer a particular insight or intuition, or can exercise a particular social skill that brings healing to a situation. Let's stay awake to what others can bring. When working with conflict, we must learn to recognize and trust our own intuitions and perceptions, and have the courage to act out of them.
This article explores aspects of the nature of conflict and the role it plays within the structure and development of social life. We will examine our own relationship to conflict and offer possible guidelines and techniques. We will conclude by describing some exercises that people can employ to help work with differences.
THE NATURE OF CONFLICT
We appear to be living in a necessary phase of human development in which the strongest anti-social forces are at work. Name a shortcoming and I can find its echo living in my own being! We can all elaborate on our own countless human qualities which stand in the way of a healthy professional: martyrdom, all kinds of fears and phobias, jealousies, prejudice, dogmatism, desire for power and influence, to name a few. We also have the basic human needs to be accepted and recognized by others. These legitimate human needs are alive and well in most of us and therefore in our organizations.
Sympathy toward a person could be just as destructive as antipathy. An overly sympathetic relationship with another person can hinder a clear assessment of what is helpful or not helpful in a given situation. Seeking to exclusively affiliate with colleagues whom we like may result in cliques and power blocks, which exacerbates conflict.
It is interesting to note that some conflicts have an icy-cold, below the surface, quality. These conflicts tend to run over a long period of time and often find no resolution at all. They are unspoken, invisible, but ever present and could be described as cancerous in nature. Other types of conflicts explode in the heat of battle; though short-lived, tend to recur in definite patterns.
EXERCISE
To familiarize yourself with your relationship to conflict, make a self-assessment of what type conflict (hot or cold) you tend to "favor", and what type of conflict seems to come to you from others.
We need to mention these things not just to wallow in the negative qualities in us, but to clearly acknowledge that they are operative in conflict situations. If we hope to understand and work with conflict in a conscious way in our lives, it is a prerequisite that we are awake to these ever-present tendencies. I believe that our times require this awareness of us. If we are not awake, or if we try to ignore or deny the existence of these tendencies, then we make ourselves more vulnerable to their influence!
Some service organizations and businesses, de-emphasize hierarchical or "command-and-control" leadership models in favor of collaborative and self-directed teams. In these organizations, the deliberating and relationship building processes can be much more laborious than otherwise might be the case; differences of opinion and conflict will more easily rise to the surface. Another danger may be that power structures are less obvious but nevertheless present.
Dimensions of Conflict:
EXERCISE
When you are in strong conflict with another person, find a quiet time during the day in which you identify the main qualities he/she possesses that bring you into conflict with that person. Then, in an honest self-evaluation, assess what you have in common with that person.
PURPOSE: A greater understanding of yourself and the other, which may lead to greater acceptance of yourself and seeing the humanity again in the other.
THE ROLE OF CONFLICT
Conflict certainly has an affinity to the dark or shadow sides of man. It is often experienced as very negative and destructive. However, conflict appears as a necessary element toward new possibilities and greater opportunities. Conflict can be the ‘price of entry’ for further development of the individual as well as the organization.
In the unfolding of a meeting, all of us can confirm the experience when, after a difficult moment -- going through "the eye of the needle" by means of a confrontation -- the meeting can reach a deeper level of significance. Once that happens, everyone knows it and is inspired by it. The meeting becomes more efficient without losing the necessary depth of deliberation.
To recognize, allow for, and process the expression of conflict and differences among members of a group has many benefits. It provides a healthy diversity that will energize all members of a group. It allows for much greater individual and group learning and growth. A business will gain greater flexibility and adaptability to meet the ever-increasing demands placed on us from local and international market forces. Through our differences a more meaningful unity and connection can arise with a sense of purpose. Individual contributions, pertaining to the life and performance of the group, are recognized as being essential to the success of the whole group.
Without conflicts we would fall into blissful but dulling sleep. Among other things, conflict awakens us: it calls us to consciousness. This may be one reason that some organizations appear to be addicted to conflict! Maybe it is because people intuitively sense that conflict raises consciousness. Or it may be that staying in conflict enables the community to avoid working on other, more controversial, issues.
If conflict awakens us, we may extrapolate that the more conscious we are as human beings, the less life's circumstances are truly experienced as conflicts. In other words, we still recognize the difficulties in life but they are experienced as opportunities and gifts. As a life-long process, we slowly gain a different inner relationship to what we use to call conflict.
From a different perspective, many of us may have experienced that those people who were of greatest difficulty to us, taught us the most valuable lessons in life. One of the implications of this insight is that the difficulties we encounter in other people and events do not find their cause in these people or events, but ourselves. There are no innocent adult victims. Each and every one of us is in control of our own reality. We have options at any given moment. When we blame our problems and conflicts on the people or circumstances, we point in the wrong direction. Doing this would somewhat analogous to a young child who, after running into a chair blames the chair for his pain.
We often hear ourselves say, "If only this person or this particular conflict were not part of our organization, we would be so much better off and we could proceed with our tasks." There is a tendency in us to want to surgically remove a problem and to view it as extraneous to the flow of life rather than embrace it. I believe it is an illusion to think that the 'other person' is the problem. How often does it not happen that we encounter the same patterns and the same kind of peoples and conflicts? We seem to be drawn like a magnet to those people who present us with our issues and dilemmas.
The above mentioned paradigm is consistent with ‘systems thinking,’ which stated that all elements and people in an organization fulfill different but interrelated functions, for the benefit of the totality. These functions can be constructive or destructive in nature, depending on the need of the totality to maintain homeostasis (status quo).
EXERCISE
We need to prepare ourselves to the point that when a person brings us a conflict, our inner reaction will be of great and genuine interest in that human being.
PURPOSE: To gain a much richer and realistic perspective to our interactions with others; one away from linear thinking, to that of an appreciation of the complexities and opportunities.
ELEMENTS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The following elements are not placed in order of priority of importance. They should live in our consciousness as we work with conflict.
There cannot really be a question of fully resolving a conflict. Some elements in conflict dissolve naturally while others may lead to the next level of challenges in the future. The first element in approaching conflict resolution is to unlock a situation so that MOVEMENT can be brought in the fixed perceptions that people have of each other and of issues. Changing perceptions means that the parties learn to see the situation from a different point of view, or that they gain greater empathy and understanding for each other. If this movement can take place, conflict becomes a dynamic force for change and development
The second element in conflict resolution is to use a PROCESS that allows the necessary learning and skill building to occur. How we go about resolving a conflict is as important as the resolution itself. Conflict, after all, often arises because of a brake-down of due process. Here are some examples of process questions:
It is a misconception to think that appropriate conflict resolution means that the parties live happily ever after. The most important purpose of our work must be that paralyzing conflict can turn into creative difference and constructive diversity in our organizations. Without diversity, our organizations and human relationships turn stale and stagnant.
TRUST is probably the main element necessary for resolving differences. The dilemma is that in most, if not all cases, trust has seriously eroded between the parties. Rebuilding trust does not happen by asking for it or, even worst, demanding it. Trust can only be rebuild in small and obtainable steps. It is gradually rebuild from positive experiences. For instance, parties may reach agreement on a couple of minor issues, or they may perform a small task that is of interest to both. Or, they may agree to some minor behavioral changes in how they interact with each other. Whatever it is, it must be achievable, measurable and lead to success. The exercises in this article are designed to strengthen the foundation for trust.
As soon as progress is made in building trust and the parties sense that there is improvement, it may be very tempting to think that now we have resolved the conflict. Often this is not the case. Because of the emotional and material costs can be so high, parties have an interest in declaring early victory. We now need to turn to some of the facts surrounding the situation. Most important is the pivotal element that the conflict must be articulated and fully described. In other words, the conflict must become perceptible! Perceptible -- not only in its effects (because, most likely, the effects are painfully clear to all) -- but we must learn to phenomenologically describe the nature and chronology of the conflict. This process will have a very important benefit. By making perceptible what was hidden, we externalize and thereby objectify it. Often, simple and clarifying facts are discovered that shed new light on the situation. Invariably, the conflict loses its destructive grip on the parties.
The fifth element is to have the WILL to find a solution! While conflict can inflict great misery on all parties (sometimes for long periods of time), people may still be reluctant to seek a resolution. There can be many reasons for this reluctance. Resolution brings with it the necessity for change and for more work on the part of all members in a group and more accountability to oneself and others. It may, therefore, feel safer and more convenient to stay with the status quo of existing power structures.
When asked to facilitate conflict resolution, it is very important to assess how committed the parties are to finding a resolution. There are various ways to assess this commitment. We must pay attention to what people say or more importantly, pay attention to their actions. What is the mood in a meeting? How genuine is the level of exchange and self-disclosure? How willing are the parties to commit to extra meeting time and allot the necessary material and human resources to the process? Do people show up late for meetings? Do they "forget" important agreements? Does another conflict suddenly take precedence? On a subconscious or deliberate level, individuals and groups can be ingenious in avoiding dealing with the issues at hand.
Intimately connected with the 'will' to find a resolution, is the element of COURAGE. In working with conflict, we inevitably are confronted, not only with the shadow side of the other person, but also with that of our own. A precondition for working with conflict is that we don’t place ourselves above the others in the conflict. Any sentiments that make us feel that another person's problem couldn't be our own, works against the process of resolution. Honest and heart-felt humility joined by a certain 'fearlessness' are all essential ingredients.
Another element is a NONJUDGMENTAL attitude in respect to everything we do. We must not seek fault with a person or try to find one party ‘right' or 'wrong' in a situation. Invariably both (all) have played their part in the conflict. By drawing sides or pronouncing opinions and explanations we invariably add to the conflict. We should be very careful to delineate between the processes of conflict resolution and that of evaluation. The latter aims for a decision or corrective action of some sort. The former however, is purely designed to accommodate communication and further development.
The eighth element is to honor the FREEDOM of the other human being. If we recognize that each conflict finds its origin within the souls of the individual parties to the conflict, then resolution must start with accepting our own responsibility in the conflict. We must know that no matter how obvious the shortcomings of the other may be, or how radically wrong his thinking is, I have only the power to change myself. No amount of effort on my part can make me change the other person or have him learn the lessons that I think life is teaching him. The idea of honoring the unequivocal freedom of the human being, so central to the impulse of Anthroposophy, must permeate all our feelings and actions.
Two final elements are extremely significant to remember and to apply whenever we can. One is that when we are speaking of human interaction, colleagueship and, especially, difficult relationships, it is important that we learn to speak for our feelings and personal reality.
In our frailty and striving we bear witness to our humanity again! This brings us to the ninth requirement: SPEAK FROM THE HEART in anything you say. Be authentic. Conflict will evaporate when we make ourselves vulnerable to the each other; when we can confidently speak from our own strengths, while allowing others to help us with our weaknesses.
The last element concerns group work. In the vast majority of cases, a conflict between two members of a working group will adversely affect the workings of the entire group. This particular conflict will live in the consciousness and become the burden of the group. Additionally, almost without exception, other members of the group will find their alliances to the conflict and subsequently contribute to it. For these reasons, resolution should always take place within the context of the FULL GROUP. The benefit to this approach is simply that other members can become co-responsible for the process and, when resolution occurs, share the benefits and sense of accomplishment. Please resist the temptation to have conflicts resolved outside the circle of people who are affected by the conflict.
Recognizing that conflict is intimately connected with our biographies and path of development, the following is a summary of elements necessary to resolve conflict.
STEPS
This outline of steps in conflict resolution is much more a general guide than a rigid formula. When we facilitate or directly engage in confronting a conflict, our intuitions will guide us through the process. Very often individual steps may have to be by-passed, or it may be sufficient to just cover a couple of these "check points." To better illustrate these steps, we will assume that the conflict has escalated substantially, affecting various individuals and different segments of the organization.
1. Assessment & Commitment Phase
This first stage is significant because it will lay a foundation and set a tone for the entire process. Primarily, we are considering three interrelated steps. First, there must be an acknowledgment and identification of the problem or conflict, including the individuals who may be involved. Usually, everyone is aware of the problem and the need for finding a working solution becomes urgent. Second, some kind of an assessment is made about how the problem should be resolved. Decisions are made on how to approach the difficulties. It may just be that two individuals should get together and talk it out, or that existing channels of communication and/or procedures should be followed; or it may be decided that a third party be brought in (from inside, or outside the school community) to facilitate the process.
Third, whatever the decision is, the main parties to the conflict must understand, agree and commit to the process. Without some basic form of agreement among the parties, resolving a conflict is practically impossible. In the latter case, a community might find itself, for the school's benefit, making an evaluative decision; some kind of arrangement that will allow for the continued running of the school. These decisions may run from binding arbitration, a negotiated settlement, or probation, to asking an individual for his resignation. Any of these responses may be legitimate and necessary in certain cases, but it should be remembered that a conflict could easily metamorphose and shift to other areas and individuals in the school community, once the identified problematic individual leaves.
2. Biographical & Descriptive Phase
As mentioned earlier, this phase is crucial. When special care has been exercised to make the conflict fully perceptible, some kind of resolution may already appear. In this phase, therefore, it is our aim to fully articulate what the conflict is and sketch its history. We map the conflict. While it is important to achieve clarity in describing the circumstances, do not overload with minute details but learn to characterize the essence of the conflict. Sometimes this can even be done with an image. In this process, it will become clear where the story coincides and where it does not with people’s perceptions and memory. If individuals strongly disagree on the course of events and nature of the conflict, we let these discrepancies stand. These discrepancies are part of the complexity of the conflict. Furthermore, at this stage we concentrate on bringing problems to light; not on solving them. It is a very necessary, though painful, moment in the process to have all parties experience the severity of the conflict.
3. Perception-Sharing & Mirroring Phase
This phase is truly the heart of the resolution process. Following and interlocking with phase two, phase three focuses on the actual interrelationships between people in the conflict. What are the perceptions that others hold of me? What is the impact of my behavior on others? Are my intentions consistent with my actions? Is what I say consistent with what I truly feel and think about others? (Ironically, many conflicts do not arise out of ill-conceived intentions but mostly out of failure to be honest and straight with others, because we "don’t want to hurt their feelings."
The very definition of conflict is that perceptions we have of each other get fixed, stereotyped and distorted. Even the most caring and humane of us will easily ignore data that contradicts the negative images we want to hold of a person, and cling to those observations that confirm our preconceptions. Of course, what makes it more complicated is the fact that our perceptions and opinions of people are not just based on figments of the imagination; they all have a grain of the truth in them! We could say that the purpose of this phase is twofold: One: to 're-align' our soul forces of thinking, feelings and intentions by means of perception sharing so that our interactions with people can become three-dimensional again. In other words, we learn to express what is truly living in us regarding our thoughts and feelings about a person. (The truth is often less painful than a sugar-coated criticism or innuendo.) Two: To gradually adjust our reality (self-perception) with the reality other people reflect back to us, thereby allowing the impact we have on others to be more consistent with our intentions.
4. Agreement & Contract Phase
If the conflict resolution resulted in the need to have certain forms of behavior and relationship change, then these changes must be clearly documented and agreed upon. For example, it may be that the parties agree to meet together on a weekly basis for the next three months, in order to facilitate continued contact and communication. Or, it may be agreed upon for each party to journal their inner work on the issues surrounding the conflict, and exchange these journals with each other on a periodic basis. Or, it may be agreed upon to assign a ‘speaking partner' to each person. This colleague would function as an unbiased listener and advisor. There are numerous ways to accommodate further support and communication with the parties that are in conflict. All these agreements must be ratified and periodically reviewed. None of these arrangements should run forever. They are merely outer support systems that have a temporary value to assist people in making necessary behavioral changes.
5. Systems & Organization Development Phase
In some cases, part of resolving the conflict requires that changes be made in the organizational structures of the business. It may be the formation of a new committee, or changes in membership or that certain procedures and policies need to be amended. In extreme cases, it might even happen that the very foundation (vision or mission) of an organization is being challenged or in need of re-vision. Individual development and organization development is reciprocal: the one affects the other. As a rule, though, it would be a mistake to change the organizational structures before (or as a substitute to) working with the interpersonal conflict issues! Many organizations resort to making all kinds of system changes, only to find that these collapse because people cannot work together. The old edict is still true; "Systems are as good as the people who work in them."
6. Review & Implementation Phase
When any decision is made, we should be clear who, what, when and how things are to be implemented. It is also important to maintain records outlining the conflict resolution process and results. Somewhere down the road, there may be a need to refer back to the proceedings for administrative and/or legal purposes. At all times, maintain a record of the agreements and decisions, and read these back to the group before the meeting stands adjourned.
The review process is the most important learning tool that we have at our disposal in group and organization development. In it we look back on our agreements and asses what worked well and what did not. Some of the guidelines regarding conflict resolution pertain to the review process as well. A properly conducted review neither judges nor intellectualizes. It merely describes and characterizes in images, what transpired from an objective but real point of view. Do not fall into the trap of continuing your discussions and arguments. Make the review brief (7 minutes); just a couple of observations and descriptions will suffice. Stay with your personal learning and insights. Leave others free to discover their own diamonds in the sand. Ask open-ended questions on what worked best and least. What would you have done differently? When was the most difficult moment in the meeting? Where was the golden moment of opportunity? By means of the review process, organizations and people can engage in a continuous learning cycle and elevate even the most challenging experiences with meaning.
EXERCISES
What follows are a few exercises for use in conflict. In each exercise, any numbers of variations are possible. Be creative.
PROCESS SUGGESTIONS
Mirroring/Feedback:
SENDER:
RECIPIENT.
FOR ALL MEMBERS OF THE CIRCLE:
FURTHER PROCESS SUGGESTIONS:
When in a difficult phase of a discussion, have one person speak at a time, then afterward, another member of the group paraphrases what was spoken. Then proceed to the next point. You can also assign two members of the group to sit outside the circle and have them, periodically, reflect back to the group their observations and further process suggestions. It is extremely helpful if comments are made directly to another person in the group, rather than spoken abstractly into the center of the room.
CONCLUDING REMARKS
We have certainly entered a time of very dramatic changes in the political/social/economic conditions in the world. These changes are accompanied by the most severe conflicts. These conditions are a mirror of the difficulties we face intra-psychically. We can expect these conflicts to intensify as time goes on. To the extent that we are successful in working with these challenges, we may not only serve our organizations but also contribute to a healthier society.