PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION AND THEIR PRACTICAL APPLICATION

(Reprinted from "Administrative Explorations." AWSNA Publications, (1999) ed. David Mitchell.)

Cornelis Pieterse, MA.

Lemnis Associates

"We commonly do not remember that it is, after all, always the first person that is speaking. I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I know as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience. Moreover, I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincerely account of his own life, and not merely, what he or she has heard of other men's lives."

"Walden; Or Life in the Woods." Henry David Thoreau.

These communication guidelines are primarily written for work groups who have decision-making responsibility. However, these guidelines can also be an essential aid in discussions among large groups of people or in a profound one-on-one conversation. I prefer the term "guidelines" to "rules" because groups and individuals must always use their discretion in how these suggestions best fit the requirements of the moment.

At first these guidelines may appear to hinder the regular flow of a conversation rather than foster it. This is a natural phenomenon when acquiring new skills. Before a skill is fully integrated as a part of an individual or a group, the necessary consciousness and effort required can make it awkward or even frustrating. Have patience and perseverance.

Principle: Apply these guidelines when the issue or decision at hand is any one or more of the following: complex, conflicted, impacting many people (different constituencies), requiring implementation, or working by consensus. Conversely, the guidelines can be relaxed if the group is experienced and functions well or when the matter at hand is of lesser consequence.

I have a few assumptions and values that form the conceptual paradigm for this paper.

  1. The first guideline pertains to the seating arrangement for the group: All members of the group should be placed so that eye contact can be maintained. A circle or oval serves this purpose best. Note taking should be kept to a minimum. Minutes should be recorded toward the end of the meeting and only reflect the outcomes of the meeting. A flip chart can be used to help remind the group of important points while the meeting is in progress. The point is that no member should be burdened with constant note taking and thereby excluded from the discussion. Ideally, group members should be so engaged in the discussion as to sit at the edge of their seats for fear of missing one single word.
  2. In a conversation it is very helpful to select one specific person in the group and address your comments to that person. The listener need not respond. This guideline keeps the conversation grounded in personal experience and away from abstractions. The technique is especially helpful when a conversation either overheats or loses all energy. I find that, contrary to my expectations, the rest of the group will pay close attention to the proceeding.
  3. It is always helpful to briefly paraphrase the previous speaker’s comments before adding your contribution. This guideline assists with the continuity and deepening of the conversation. Paraphrasing clarifies whether the speaker has been correctly understood. You should also paraphrase when introducing a new topic.

In paraphrasing a speaker must keep the following in mind:

  1. Paraphrase the main point only.
  2. Keep your paraphrase succinct and simple.
  3. Check with the speaker (this could be by making eye contact or verbally) whether the paraphrase is basically correct. If the paraphrase is inadequate, let the original speaker make the correction and then proceed with the discussion. Others in the group may assist you with paraphrasing as long as the flow of the discussion is not compromised and you don’t lose your turn to speak.
  4. The overall process should take a minimal amount of time unless major differences of interpretation come to light. In that case, a decision needs to be made whether the discussion should shift to deal with the differences, or remain on topic.
  1. Speak only from your experience. What you hear from a third party (hearsay) – in terms of experiences, perceptions or opinions – should not be part of a serious conversation in which clarity is paramount. So, too, theorizing, generalizing and hypothesizing takes away from meaningful human communication. Many of our conversations are based on these abstractions. Also, do not represent the experiences, perceptions or opinions of others. We should learn to only represent ourselves. If someone’s contribution, other then those assembled, is critically important to the discussion, the meeting should be adjourned and reconvened when all the necessary people can be present.
  2. There are only two possible scenarios when speaking. (1) You can speak from your personal experience, insight, or perception. In this case, you need not authenticate your remarks by calling on the authority and support of others. (2) When appealing to the insights of other people, let them speak for themselves. I often hear the argument that others may not be in a position to speak for themselves or are unable to be present for the meeting. As adults, we need to build strength to stand up for our truth. In a genuine effort to be helpful, we can actually prevent others the empowerment and privilege to find their voices.
  3. Connected with the fourth guideline, always be specific in your comments. There is no exception to this rule. Use recent and specific examples to illustrate your comments. George Sammon (a reporter with The Washington Times) said, "Specificity is the heart of credibility." I would add that specificity is a necessary condition for understanding others and for being understood.
  4. Make full use of "I" statements. In the vast majority of cases, it is confusing at best – if not misleading – to use a different pronoun than the one that needs to be applied. Substituting pronouns is one of those cultural idiosyncrasies that seem to dictate that to be direct and transparent is impolite or not sophisticated or too confrontational. The use of the pronouns, "we" or "one," instead of "I," may be acceptable in formal settings but not in group discussions.
  5. Speak early in the discussion about what is important to you.
  6. Principle: The more each member in a group is true to his or her insight and experience, and the earlier each member speaks to this truth, the more effectively the group will function.

    Or expressed differently:

    The time and energy you spend on avoiding speaking your truth in a group, is always greater than the time and energy you spend on naming what is important to you.

    Here are some examples: The room is too warm and stuffy, but no one says a word. Members repeat the same point over and over, but no one calls attention to the pattern. The discussion diverts from the agenda, and no one dares to point this out. People are restless or apathetic, but no one calls for a break. Similarly, it may be that one person is in touch with a feeling of discomfort or anger, but fails to speak to this and opts out of the discussion. (Maybe out of a sense of self-preservation.) If a work group loses even one of its members by non-participation, the group’s full potential isn’t utilized.

  7. Restrict your comments to one main point at a time. Observing this guideline allows the other group members to stay involved and to participate constructively. This also makes it easier for the next speaker to paraphrase your comment.
  8. To ensure full participation on the part of all members, it may be helpful at important junctures in the discussion, to go around the circle and have each person briefly speak to the question. Another technique, used by Native American cultures, is the use of a "talking stick." Only the holder of the stick has the floor. The conversation proceeds by passing the object around in a timely fashion and to whoever seeks to be recognized.
  9. Ask questions to seek information, only. So many questions are in fact rhetorical in nature, (meaning, I don’t want an answer) or statements in disguise. A genuine question to seek information or to inquire about a troubling situation is always very helpful. However, pay careful attention to how often a question is used for other than informational purposes. If you have a point to make, make it without dressing it up as a question. Questions, like anything else, can either be used to obtain greater insight and connectedness, or greater distance and superficiality among the members of the group.
  10. About confidentiality and disclosure! Confidentiality is often a loaded and complex issue in a group. The group should make it clear at the end of its deliberations, what aspects of the discussion are requested to be held in confidence. In my opinion, the only topics that qualify are those related to personnel questions and non-business agenda items, like personal sharing. Even in the case of personnel issues, your constituencies should be given appropriate updates and requests for input, as long as the lawful rights of the person are not violated. The best use of the concept of confidentiality is the attitude: "I have ‘confidence’ in you to treat what we have shared in an appropriate manner with those outside our circle." This attitude leaves people free and calls on their highest motivations.
  11. In the vast majority of cases, the demand for confidentiality is overused and often employed – maybe with the best of intentions – to control the legitimate flow of information to others. A good guideline to follow is the answer to the following question: Will our constituencies be impacted in any way by our decision, or by the information we hold? If the answer is "yes," you should disclose, and disclose earlier!

    When in doubt, always err on the side of full and early disclosure. The tendency to hold on and control critically important information is widespread in most sectors of our society. I have learned from difficult personal experiences that failure to disclose is poor practice and weakens the trust among those who depend on the organization and on me.

  12. Connected with the above is the use of anonymity. In most, if not all, cases that arise in the course of daily adult interactions, anonymity is highly inappropriate. It flies in the face of being direct, honest, authentic, and for taking responsibility for your actions and opinions. Only in instances when physical safety is at stake, (as may be the cases of abuse, or if there is a great differential of power, or when we are dealing with minors) should a person be granted anonymity.

It must be made clear to anyone who seeks some type of action or result from what he or she has shared in confidence, that anonymity can no longer be maintained. If a group opts to act on behalf of an anonymous person, the rest of the community is left with only partial information. This will breed distrust and lack of support.

Of course, when a person seeks anonymity, we should treat the matter with respect, understanding and diplomacy. By providing all the safeguards we can muster, we must then coach the person to a place where he or she can take responsibility for their request.

We now can summarize all of the above in the form of an agreement that each one of us can make to our fellow group members. This agreement could be a formal group agreement, or an informal commitment on the part of any of its members. Group members should conduct periodic evaluations to see what adjustments (if any) and additions need to be made to the "contract."

 

MY COMMITMENTS TO THE GROUP

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