Jesus Christ: Hello my sons, we have decided to pronounce our love for the father with our brother Aaron "elastica" Sherman, a practitioner of the forbidden art of spooge transposition. Hello Mr. Sherman. What heavenly creature has brought you here today?

Aaron Sherman: Although not a listener of Elastica, nevertheless, a connection is made.

JC: You look majestic today! :) Let’s start off with your personal life; how involved are you in the gay/lesbian community, and have your actions caused others to question your moral saintliness?

AS: First off, never has my saintliness been in question. I have gay friends, my cat is a transsexual, and I’ve been kissed by a billy-goat once. But seriously folks, I participate in UNH Safe Zones, a program to promote les/bi/gay/transgender acceptance on our campus. But I’m as straight as a... a... a highway in the Bronx! How about you JC?

JC: I guess I can be known as a guy who frequents the Avalon on Sundays. Let’s progress to more formal matters now. The other band members sometimes refer to you as "God on Guitar." How do you live up to this title, and does it make you nervous in front of the ladies?

AS: Well it’s about time they called me that!! I have no problem living up to this title because it's TRUE! And as far the ladies are concerned, I feel especially confident around them because the action of playing guitar only reveals me for the sex monster that I really am. They dig the way I stroke my instrument on stage before their greedy eyes. I can't get enough!

JC: Please try now and then to remember the commandment, thou shalt not become an egotistical love monkey! Only myself and Luther may posses that title. On the subject of ladies, how is playing the guitar, as opposed to keyboard or trumpet, more likely to get you the quintessential "Blow Job"?

AS: It's the shape of the guitar that excites them. I’m starting to get uncomfortable. Can we change the subject?

JC: That’s right! Jesus can turn even the guys on! He's got the shit that makes both the guys and gals reach for their zippers! Wanna see him strip? Ok, enough about me, let's talk about you! I love your guitar! What kind of theory is necessary to play a guitar such as yours, and does the guitar speak to you, asking for such things as better effects and nicer picks? Hmmm????

AS: I don't know about that shit JC. I thought that stuff only happened in the Old Testament. However, I do have an emotional attachment to my guitar. We’ve seen some tough times together. Wait a minute! I left him the in car with the windows up. Damn! He’ll nearly suffocate! I'll be back in a jiff!

(Aaron bolts out the door to the parking lot. Shortly thereafter he returns with a relieved expression across his unshaven face).

AS: He's okay. He was growling at some kids who walked by with their mom after going grocery shopping. But I shut him up.

JC: He seems PURDY important to you... I guess... Does the guitar influence the creative songwriting we hear on many of Beefcake's songs, or is it straight out of your intellectual repository?

AS: My what?

JC: Your ass, stupid... YOUR BRAIN!!! YOUR BRAIN!!!! HELLO?!?!?! Where else do you think intellect comes from?

AS: JESUS CHRIST, CALM DOWN!!! For a man loved and revered by all, you sure can blow your top at the drop of a deutschmark! Anyway, to answer your titillating question, the guitar only tells me when to throw in a super Eighties metal dive bomb lick here and there. He leaves the rest up to me.

JC: Who are you to tell Jesus Fucking Christ where to go???? You think you’re all that bitch? Well.... Wait a minute, I’m supposed to love all my disciples... and my enemies.... Oh, but you’re neither; you’re a Unitarian...

AS: Hey hey hey!! Hold on here! Don’t start pullin’ a Ryan Baker on me "Mr. Savior"!! Keep your toga on! Unitarians hold you in high esteem, and then you go dissin’ us. Man, who do you think you are? The son of God or something?!

JC: Watch your words, infidel mongrel child! You never answered my question on your songwriting techniques. What makes these ideas plop out of your brain through your fingers and onto the page? And where's the creativity comin from? Those lyrics are fooked oop!

AS: Well, if you’re going to get technical on me, I would have to say that it has much to do with my unconscious perception of the underlying frequency intonation found latent in my own flatulentical palpitations.

JC: Jesus ain’t no Einstein, but the basic premise behind your little verbiage is that your songwriting stems from the fact that you play what doesn't sound like crap, especially when they sound like gas...

AS: You’re close. To put it in laymen’s terms, my songs come from the sounds I think I hear when I...well...y'know, "cut the cheese" as it were.

JC: Mmmmm, and do groceries play a part in your compositions?

AS: "Only when I perform them", as R.B. would say.

JC: Thanks. Let's talk about Billy and Bessie, specifically the interesting paradox that manifests with the switching between the organic Em7 and the orgasmic B7. What is the transposition between these two chords?

AS: Modally speaking, if one were to attempt an improvisation, one would find oneself alternating between the E Aeolian mode, otherwise know as Natural Minor. Also one would have the option of slipping into E Dorian, another minor mode, giving us the C# rather than C natural and creating a jazzier texture. Over the B7, one modulates into E Harmonic Minor, giving us the D#. This modulation is key, as the D# becomes the third of the B7 and consequently (since the B7 chord is the V chord in the key of E Minor) it becomes the necessary leading tone borrowed from the parallel major mode. If one does not attempt to move to this D#, well, to put it nicely, you sound like SHIT! I have yet to complete a thesis on this simple yet mystifying phenomenon present here in our piece of music.

JC: Ok...

Ryan Quigley (keyboard player): Aaron is unusually poignant in his anecdote describing the poignancy of his point. I'd like to add that he is not B.S.ing you. He’s actually telling the truth, which is absolutely uncanny, confirming our hypothesis that he is some foreign multifaceted entity; mind possessed by the angelic form of SHITAR, who lets him, basically, be smart. We love him, don't we.

JC: Ok...

AS: HEY!! Who let that guy in here?! Get back to practicing your keyboard parts you moron! YOU might play Bm instead of B this time! Those guys in the band. They just don't know who’s boss. So I have to show 'em every now and then. They look up to me, respect me. After all, without me (and Ryan Baker I suppose) those guys would be playing bars for beer coasters.

JC: Kiwi! Kapovaditch! Last, but certainly not least: Where are you (individually or as a group) off to now? Will you quit school and tour worldwide? Drop your pants for money? Become the next Bill Gates? Or be content in your manhood and bask in the glory of your current existence? ANSWER GOD!!!

AS: Are you talking to me? Oh, sorry. Um...in order: to bed, no, yes if given the opportunity, maybe, and what manhood are your referring to?

JC: The manhood given to you by your dad, Gerry!

AS: Well, I was thinking about pawning it off to get more money to support my crack habit. Is that alright? By the way Jesus, you don't look as beefcake as our name lets on.

JC: Jesus Christ get's the last word...

Wost blutnik!